There’s Always Hope
I haven’t blogged for months until the other day. I really needed a break from everything, though I continued to write. I had this book going that I wanted to finish because it was so hard for me to work on. It’s done now, but it took a toll on me. It was extremely emotional to get through. I’ll explain later.
You see, in addition to physical ailments that I cope with on a daily basis, I suffer from mental illness too.
Physically, I was diagnosed with CRPS, EDS-3, POTS, PNES, and now Fibromyalgia, Type 2 Diabetes, Stage 2 Kidney disease, a fatty liver and obesity. Yep, four rare diseases and a newer plethora of accruing illnesses. Let’s just take one, CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, it’s scientifically more painful than childbirth only it’s 24/7/365. That alone is tough to deal with and attempting to cope for over 20 years with the chronic pain and loss of mobility has taken a further toll on my mental state.
Now, with the added weight, diabetes and renal issues I am at a loss in many ways. I hit a physical rock bottom a few weeks ago and have further changed my diet and am exercising every day. It’s a great start but it’s hard.
Mentally, I was diagnosed with DID which is rare, Major Depression, Bi-Polar II, PTSD, Compulsive Disorder and a couple of others I can’t remember at the moment. Let’s take the one I’ve dealt with most throughout my life, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder, it used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder until the 90s. It has cost me relationships and has ingrained in me a knowledge that I’m not like other people—not acceptable, worthy or loveable.
And with all of this I wouldn’t change a thing. Why? Because of the relationship I now have with God, Jesus and Holy Spirit.
Don’t Pity Me, Love Me Instead
I just want to be honest. I want to share this with you because I’m hoping it may help someone. I’m hoping that someone can relate and maybe feel better about their own life. Because there’s nothing impossible with God. If I can overcome, survive and thrive again in so many ways, so can others.
I struggle daily and in doing so have basked in God’s sufficient grace. My life looks messy in so many ways, but I am so much stronger for it. I’ve had ample opportunity to mature through these trials and tribulations. I have come so far from my sexually abusive childhood, and I’m proud of all the work I’ve done to get here. Is life perfect now? No, but it’s pretty great.
The Most Difficult Book
The book I just published is called, 21 Pieces: Finding Wholeness in Spiritual Truth. 21 Pieces is a novel based on my DID story. It’s full of examples from my life that were difficult to experience. I decided to write the story as fiction because it’s hard for me to remember all the details of my life, let alone be able to write them as pure non-fiction.
21 Pieces is a salvation story, it’s a redemption story, and it shows sides of DID that others may find unbelievable. Hey, even physicians find DID hard to believe even though it’s defined in the America Psychiatric Association’s DSM-V manual.
It was hard to write and then rewrite and edit part of my DID story. It was an emotional rollercoaster ride for months. Once finished, I crashed mentally and emotionally. I got extremely depressed and low enough to cut, which I hadn’t done in a long time. I’m not suicidal anymore thanks to God. So, it wasn’t about that, it was about externalizing the internal pain I was feeling. And it scared the crap out of me. The knife was sharper than I thought, and the cut was long and deep. I will now carry that scar as a reminder of that low in my life.
I’m Not the Only One
Others have suffered more than I have or ever will. We all have our own versions of testing that the enemy of God will toss our way in life. If anything, I’m a living testament to the fulfillment of God’s goodness and promises. I trust Him now more than ever to take care of my needs and finish the work he started in me. He is faithful and will not let me down. If He can do this for me, He can do it for you.
Seriously, I’m not looking for your pity. I’m writing this to offer hope. I have felt like I’m hiding the truth. I want to be transparent and authentic with you. So, here we are. I’m not sure where this will go. I don’t know how it will be received. Selfishly, I feel better for getting this off my chest.
I pray that if you are struggling physically, spiritually, mentally or emotionally in any way that you know God is for you. I pray He lift you up today, gives you answers to challenges, and shows His deep love for you. I pray that you know you are not alone in your suffering. And I pray that joy and peace overtake you. Be blessed in the way you go.
With deep affection,