There’s Always Hope
I havenāt blogged for months until the other day. I really needed a break from everything, though I continued to write. I had this book going that I wanted to finish because it was so hard for me to work on. Itās done now, but it took a toll on me. It was extremely emotional to get through. Iāll explain later.
You see, in addition to physical ailments that I cope with on a daily basis, I suffer from mental illness too.
Physically, I was diagnosed with CRPS, EDS-3, POTS, PNES, and now Fibromyalgia, Type 2 Diabetes, Stage 2 Kidney disease, a fatty liver and obesity. Yep, four rare diseases and a newer plethora of accruing illnesses. Letās just take one, CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, itās scientifically more painful than childbirth only itās 24/7/365. That alone is tough to deal with and attempting to cope for over 20 years with the chronic pain and loss of mobility has taken a further toll on my mental state.
Now, with the added weight, diabetes and renal issues I am at a loss in many ways. I hit a physical rock bottom a few weeks ago and have further changed my diet and am exercising every day. Itās a great start but itās hard.
Mentally, I was diagnosed with DID which is rare, Major Depression, Bi-Polar II, PTSD, Compulsive Disorder and a couple of others I canāt remember at the moment. Letās take the one Iāve dealt with most throughout my life, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder, it used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder until the 90s. It has cost me relationships and has ingrained in me a knowledge that Iām not like other peopleānot acceptable, worthy or loveable.
And with all of this I wouldnāt change a thing. Why? Because of the relationship I now have with God, Jesus and Holy Spirit.
Donāt Pity Me, Love Me Instead
I just want to be honest. I want to share this with you because Iām hoping it may help someone. Iām hoping that someone can relate and maybe feel better about their own life. Because thereās nothing impossible with God. If I can overcome, survive and thrive again in so many ways, so can others.
I struggle daily and in doing so have basked in Godās sufficient grace. My life looks messy in so many ways, but I am so much stronger for it. Iāve had ample opportunity to mature through these trials and tribulations. I have come so far from my sexually abusive childhood, and Iām proud of all the work Iāve done to get here. Is life perfect now? No, but itās pretty great.
The Most Difficult Book
The book I just published is called, 21 Pieces: Finding Wholeness in Spiritual Truth. 21 Pieces is a novel based on my DID story. Itās full of examples from my life that were difficult to experience. I decided to write the story as fiction because itās hard for me to remember all the details of my life, let alone be able to write them as pure non-fiction.
21 Pieces is a salvation story, itās a redemption story, and it shows sides of DID that others may find unbelievable. Hey, even physicians find DID hard to believe even though itās defined in the America Psychiatric Associationās DSM-V manual.
It was hard to write and then rewrite and edit part of my DID story. It was an emotional rollercoaster ride for months. Once finished, I crashed mentally and emotionally. I got extremely depressed and low enough to cut, which I hadnāt done in a long time. Iām not suicidal anymore thanks to God. So, it wasnāt about that, it was about externalizing the internal pain I was feeling. And it scared the crap out of me. The knife was sharper than I thought, and the cut was long and deep. I will now carry that scar as a reminder of that low in my life.
Iām Not the Only One
Others have suffered more than I have or ever will. We all have our own versions of testing that the enemy of God will toss our way in life. If anything, Iām a living testament to the fulfillment of Godās goodness and promises. I trust Him now more than ever to take care of my needs and finish the work he started in me. He is faithful and will not let me down. If He can do this for me, He can do it for you.
Seriously, Iām not looking for your pity. Iām writing this to offer hope. I have felt like Iām hiding the truth. I want to be transparent and authentic with you. So, here we are. Iām not sure where this will go. I donāt know how it will be received. Selfishly, I feel better for getting this off my chest.
I pray that if you are struggling physically, spiritually, mentally or emotionally in any way that you know God is for you. I pray He lift you up today, gives you answers to challenges, and shows His deep love for you. I pray that you know you are not alone in your suffering. And I pray that joy and peace overtake you. Be blessed in the way you go.
With deep affection,
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